I’m sorry
May 24, 2018
My house.
I feel lost.
Like I’m stuck in an unending maze of anxiety and self-doubt. A labyrinth where you think there’s no way out.
Two days after my graduation, I felt an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I never understood how quickly things could go south. It was self-doubt. Anxiety. I’m familiar with the rushed wave of sadness engulfing me entirely. It wasn’t new to me. I know it’s inside me, waiting for the right time to tap out. Waiting for my breaking point. Soon pain accompanied sadness. Eyes, crimson blood. Lips, quivering. Nose, as red as apple. I was breaking. It was my limit. Questions started to rush in. What am I going to do? Would I be successful? Am I even good at something? Where do I go? I felt small. My heart was aching like a knife was stabbed through and someone’s twisting it. I popped a pain reliever. One… and another one… then two more. I was in pain and sadness that it didn’t registered what I was doing.
Then it came to me.
What am I doing?
I sobbed when I realized. but I think it was more of a plead of help. My mom heard me crying. She saw me holding a fist full of pills. I saw her and I cried harder. I’m okay.
August 27, 2018
My house
I feel broken.
I broke up with my partner. I was becoming selfish and our relationship was becoming unfair. He made mistakes in the past that shattered my trust. I couldn’t give him my 100%. I was becoming distant. I can feel all the foundation of our relationship slowly fading. Love, trust, and peace. I decided to end our relationship with me deciding it on my own. I was selfish. I didn’t consider his side. He called me names. Cursed me. To him I was a slut, a gold digger, a liar, attention seeker, and I was fake. I felt the lowest of lows. Again, I felt small. I cried myself to bed. the rushing feeling of sadness, loneliness, and pain crept up to me like a freezing wind of December. I could feel it engulfing me. I wasn’t numb. I wish I was though.
The next morning he apologized for what he said. He reasoned me out that it wasn’t him. He blamed his anger. I blamed myself. The words cut like knives. Each one has its own pain. He apologized. I’m okay.
October 11, 2018
My house
I feel helpless.
I’m in a void of my own doubts. I’m asking question with unanswerable answers.
What is my purpose?
What am I suppose to do?
Do I deserve all of these?
What have I done wrong?
Have I been a bad person?
Is kindness and courage out of my system?
I do not understand.
I’m crying. again, a plead of help. I was losing my hope. I was losing myself. I found myself in my breaking point again. But I haven’t tapped out. I’m lost, I’m broken, and I’m helpless. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry, I’m not okay anymore.
